This will be a bit of a mixed up post. Basically, that is just how I have been feeling about a lot of things lately. Mixed up. I ended up vlogging this weekend and took the camera along with me and I posted it, only to end up deleting it because something did not feel right about it. I was not proud of the editing job, I was not proud with what I was showing you guys, and I was not proud that I was not being true to myself about it.
I started this blog and YouTube because I want to be a voice for those who do not know who they are, feel lost in life and struggle with finding themselves due to self esteem issues and/or whatever it is that has caused them to feel this way. I will continue to do so in hopes of helping those who may feel the same.
I am one of these people, and therefore it becomes difficult to showcase that at times because I feel the need to act as if I have risen above these issues. As if I have already been there, done that and know how to “be” now with my new found attitude and confidence in life. I am not there, I have discovered, which makes it even more complicated to film because it forced me to be more aware of it.
It becomes difficult and confusing when my weakness shows its ugly head and I start to see how a lot of “creators” are so natural on camera and can knock out a ton of content that is interesting and just, well, good. “Don’t compare yourself to others”, is something that runs through my mind constantly with a very small, weak voice. I know better, but to do better? Not so easy. What do I have to offer? I do not do beauty, fashion, or DIY’s well, I do not have a “thing” that I do well enough to teach. All I have is a voice, a camera, and a goal.
I have also discovered that vlogging forces you to choose what it is that you want to show to people, and when you have an entire day of things that you do not want people to really know about, then it becomes a bit of a reality check. Why am I not proud of this? Why do I not want people to know about any of this? I fully understand the need for privacy when it comes to filming your life, I definitely respect that aspect but when I am just doing normal, every day things – why do I want to hide it? Because I know, deep down, that I do not want to be apart of that lifestyle anymore.
I am a great person, I have valuable opinions, and I have a lot to offer – so please do not take this as a post of self hatred and being too hard on myself. I think that what I am trying to say here is that I had an “aha moment”. I have realized how much I have grown and learned in the last couple of years and I am ready to just accept that. I think that it is hard to get to a point of realization and acceptance so when you literally have a reflection of it – it just hits you.
I believe that this is a good thing. I am so grateful of the platforms that are available for people to really share and express themselves in any way they see fit. It is amazing and I am happy to be apart of it. I am grateful for the chance to post this and have people who may be like minded and can relate to me in some way that may make them feel less lonely or lost.
I will continue to film, write, and most of all create positive, and sometimes not so positive things to spread the message that it is okay to learn, try things, and be unsure in life. You can take away from this post, that much at least.